Falling out of love

While many people across the globe are falling in love, this girl, who happens to be one of the closest friends of mine consulted me about her big problem regarding their marriage. She wanted me to analyze her situation if what she feels is already a sign of having been fallen out of love with her husband or just a miscommunication on her part. She said she might had just become too perfectionist or  had expected too much from him that now she got so disappointed as he failed to meet her expectations.

I asked her, “bakit, may nabago ba? Was he a better man before or ganyan na talaga s’ya at ikaw lang itong naging mapaghanap ngayon?”

“Siguro nga ate may mali sakin, pero ewan ko, I noticed he had changed a lot.. at ako, hindi ko maexplain nang husto yung feelings ko, pero parang… parang hindi na ko masaya e!” she exclaimed.

“You mentioned  he had changed a lot… gaya ng….?”

“Like dati, he would hurry up to get home para magkasama kami agad pero now, hindi na s’ya nagmamadali.. he still gets home though pero parang wala na yung excitement to see me..”

“Hindi kaya feeling mo lang yun? Malay mo naman sa iniisip nung tao habang pauwi s’ya no!” I said to her then she laughed. “Kita mo, natawa ka tuloy.. ikaw lang eh!.. what if all this time, ikaw pala ang hindi na excited na makita s’ya?” 

She paused for a little while. Maybe she was thinking about it so I gave her the time she needed to internalize kung anuman yung nararamdaman n’ya. After a short while, she burst out in tears. Mukhang mabigat nga ang pinagdadaanan, sa loob-loob ko. I asked her to continue, I’m not a psychologist, a marriage counselor nor an expert in a relationship, I admit our relationship has also ups and downs but I can be a good listener naman. And in between sobs she confessed,

“Pero ba’t ganun yung nararamdaman ko? If it’s true that I'm the one who’s not excited to see him, was that a sign of falling out of love?” she looked at me and waited for my answer  but I decided not to comment, I don’t want to add fuel into fire, ika nga. I can see the pain in her eyes at that moment.

“Dati, kinikilig ako sa mga ginagawa nya for me but now I easily get annoyed. Iba na kasi tingin ko sa ginagawa nya eh. Kita mo, nung dati hindi pa s’ya marunong magluto, he will try hard to make it delicious and special to please me at super excited s’ya sa magiging comment ko, but now na he considered himself expert in his favorite dishes, parang lumaki na yung ulo nya. Minsan nga kahit may gusto akong i-comment, di ko na mai-voice out kasi yung tingin nya sa luto nya, “perfect!”.. dati kasi nakapagcomment ako ng something negative, nainis s’ya sakin at ang sabi nya ang yabang ko raw, na ako na raw ang magaling magluto..” (whatda?*sigh*)….. “ngayon tuloy pag nagluluto s’ya ang tingin ko, it’s just to satisfy himself and not to please me anymore.” She paused again, matagal din ang lumipas bago s’ya kumalma at tumigil sa pag-iyak.

“Eh ikaw naman, when was the last time na ipinagluto mo s’ya ng favorite dishes n’ya to please him?” I asked afterwards.

“Huh? Naku kelan nga ba? I don’t remember na, it’s been a while.. teka ate, what are you trying to say? I always cook naman pag may maluluto, puro delata nga lang like cornbeef, maling, tuna, kasi yun yung available.. but when I cook, kahit delata lang yun, nilalagyan ko ng twist para maging special at magustuhan n’ya.. saka I still feel excited pa rin naman makasabay s’ya kumain, kahit nga gutom na ko hinihintay ko pa rin s’ya para sabay kami..”… 

“O, e yun naman pala eh.. that means, you’re still inlove with your husband..” 

“You think so? Well, I guess, yes.. maybe.. but I’m really confused. Tapos sa tuwing uuwi s’ya, wala s’yang ibang kwento kung hindi mga ka-officemates, until matulog kami mga officemates n’ya pa rin ang naaalala n’ya. Sa nakikita ko, napaka-importante para sa kanya ng sasabihin ng officemates n’ya. Sa kung anong isusuot at gagawin n’ya sa office, palagi na lang nyang sinasabi na ano kaya sasabihin ni ganito at ni ganyan? eh ako.. hindi ba mahalaga opinion ko?.. Haynaku… Actually, we rarely talked about us na, hindi kagaya dati na kahit may kanya-kanya kaming buhay pag nasa office, pag nasa bahay na, sa amin na ang mundo. Dati, he didn’t get tired of listening to my stories during bedtime kahit pa boring na yung ibang kwento ko, he listened, but now, I feel that he’s not interested to hear them anymore. Ang daming dati.. dati.. dati.. I don’t feel like sleeping with him na nga eh! Saka bkit ganun, I knew I accepted him for who he was when we first met, but now, I can’t tolerate his actions. Madali uminit ulo ko. Like for instance, pag may ginawa s’yang mali at yung mali na yun eh something na sinabi ko na dati. I mean, I gave him instructions on what to do but he didn’t do it as instructed, kaya ang dating for me, parang hindi n’ya ko iniintindi, na parang I’m talking to someone na hindi naman talaga nakikinig, pasok sa kabilang tenga, labas sa kabila kaya ang ending magagalit ako then he’ll say simpleng bagay lang galit agad and I would look kontrabida again.

Isa pa, I don’t know if I’m being maarte or what, but being hygienic is essential naman di ba? I said this because, I don’t kiss him back pag mahaba yung balbas n’ya or hindi pa s’ya nagtoothbrush after kumain unlike before na you don’t even care di ba?” I sort of laughed at that one then I let her continue.

She added, “nung hindi pa kami kasal and he will buy something for me, it makes me happy.. starbucks man yan or mani sa kanto okay lang, kahit ano.. very much appreciated. . konting dikit lang ng katawan namin super kilig na to the bones.. tumingin lang s’ya sakin, ang saya ko na sobra, pero now, wala ng ganung effect..wala na yung sparks.. In fact, when he buys something for me, instead of appreciating it, what I think off is gastos na naman.. bawas na naman sa cash on hand.. hayz!..” 

“Well that’s a mistake on your part my dear.. dapat maappreciate mo yung value ng ginagawa n’ya. Material thing man yun, nabawasan man ang pera n’ya or pera n’yong dalawa, it’s the thought that counts.. ang pera mahahanap mo yan kahit saan but yung love mahirap tumbasan yun.. sa tingin mo he bought it just because he wanted to waste your hard-earned money? Syempre, he bought something for you to make you feel special.. I think it’s his way of showing his affection!” sabi ko sa kanya.

“Sabagay, ako nga gustung-gusto ko s’yang binibilhan ng kung anu-ano. Abutan man ako ng closing sa mall kahit mag-isa lang ako kaiikot at kapipili ng mga bagay na alam kong makakapagpasaya sa kanya, kahit wala akong mabili for myself at para sa kanya lang lahat ng mabili ko, happy na ko dun. Well, siguro, ayoko lang na gagastos s’ya for me..”

Natawa ko bigla. “Eh adik ka pala eh, halos lahat ng kilos ngayon kelangan mo gumastos talaga..”

“Tingin mo ate inlove pa rin kami sa isa’t isa? We have been married for couple of years and you knew naman, may kids na rin.. para kasing ang hirap ibalik ng dating kayo.. ganun ba talaga pag kasal na at may mga anak?.. hay, kahit naman anong sabihin ko sa ‘yo ngayon at ikwento, hindi rin naman magbabago itong nararamdaman ko.. paulit-ulit pa rin akong magwowonder kung mahal pa ba n’ya ko o hindi na at kung mahal ko pa s’ya o hindi na..”

“Bakit, did you ever think what your life would be like without him?  Kaya mo ba na mawala s’ya sa buhay mo?”

“Of course, naisip ko na yan and no, I don’t think I can’t live without him, pero minsan, naiisip kong subukang lumayo, mabuhay ng wala s’ya, it could be miserable but it could also turn out as the other way around.”

“Haynaku girl, sira ka talaga! Magkaka-wrinkles ako sa’yo eh! Pano ang marriage n’yo and pano ang mga kids? Ganun-ganun na lang yun? Ang masasabi ko, ikaw ang gumagawa ng sarili mong multo. Yung mga thoughts mo yung nakakapagpa-sad sa’yo. Why don’t you talk to him na lang at sabihin mo lahat yan.. maybe this time he’ll be sweeter to you. Baka kasi hindi ka lang matantiya ng husband mo. Sometimes kasi mahirap hulaan ang gusto ng isang tao kahit matagal na kayo magkasama kaya it helps kung minsan sasabihin mo sa kanya yung gusto mo at yung mga changes na naobserved mo para maexplain nya yung reasons behind them at makapag-adjust kayong dalawa to enjoy each other’s company. Tandaan mo, wala pang expiration date ang marriage contract so matagal kayong magsasama n’yang husband mo. Mahirap yang ke bago-bago n’yo pa lang eh may ganyang drama na, umayos ka!” mahaba kong litanya sa kanya. After that, natawa ako. Para namang may alam ko ang sinasabi ko, hahaha!

To be honest dear readers, my friend badly needs your advice now. I thought of posting it to my blog to get your opinions, too. Who do you think is at fault? Like I said, I’m not an expert with this matter so maybe you guys can save my friend and their marriage. Please post your comments and suggestions on what could be done by someone who’s slowly falling out of love with his or her partner specially married couples. Thank you in advance.